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1.19

1.19

Si memini, fuerant tibi quattuor, Aelia, dentes:               

expulit una duos tussis et una duos.

iam secura potes totis tussire diebus:

nil istic quod agat tertia tussis habet.  

Sound Recording

If I remember, you had had four teeth, Aelia:

One cough expelled two and one cough two.

Now, fearless, you are able to cough during everyday

A cough, in your situation, has nothing which is of the sort that it does.  

If memory serves, you used to have four teeth, Aelia:

But one cough knocked out two and another cough knocked out the other two.

Now, everyday, you can cough fearlessly.

In your case, a cough does nothing.  

Sound Recording

You used to have four chewers.

A cough left you with fewer.

Now you’re a carefree cougher.

No threat a cough can offer.  

Sound Recording

If memory serves, Aelia, four teeth had you,

But one cough, then two, spewed two teeth plus two.

Now you can cough everyday fearlessly

For no harm to you can a cough do.  

1.23  

Invitas nullum nisi cum quo, Cotta, lavaris

et dant convivam balnea sola tibi

Mirabar quare numquam me, Cotta, vocasses:

iam scio me nudum displicuisse tibi.  

You invite no one except (someone) with whom you are bathed, Cotta

And only baths provide guest(s) for you.

I was wondering why you had never called me, Cotta:

Now I know that nude me was displeasing to you.  

You don’t invite anyone unless you are bathed with him, Cotta

And only baths give you guests.

I was wondering why you had never called me, Cotta:

Now I know you don’t like to see me naked.  

Rub-a-dub-dub

Invite the ones you scrub

Guests come from the tub

But I’m not in your club

Too dirty to pass?

No, it’s my ugly ass!  

1.27  

Hesterna tibi nocte dixeramus

Quincunces puto post decem peractos,

Cenares hodie, Procille, mecum.

Tu factam tibi rem statim putasti

Et non sobria verba subnotasti

Exemplo nimium periculoso:

μίσω μναμονα συμποταν, Procille.

On yesterday night, we had said

I think, after ten 5/12 of a whole having been finished

that you would dine today with me, Procillus.

You immediately thought the matter done for you

and you noted (in an underhanded way) (my) not sober words--

an excessively dangerous precedent:

I hate a fellow symposiast with a good memory, Procillus.  

Last night, after ten pints, I think, I told you that

you would dine with me today, Procillus.

You immediately thought the matter was finished,

and you held me to my drunken words—a very dangerous precedent:

I hate a fellow drinker with a good memory, Procillus.  

Last night, after drinks, we toasted the moon.

We stumbled around, said we’d meet again soon,

but here you are today, banging on my door.

Words we say while drinking are words we should ignore.  

1.38

Plagiarism  

Quem recitas meus est, o Fidentine, libellus

sed male cum recitas, incipit esse tuus.  

Sound Recording

The little book, which you recite, is mine, O Fidentinus,

but when you recite badly, it begins to be yours.  

No second translation needed  

Sound Recording

The Backstreet Boys have stolen my song.

Do I want it back?

No.  

1.58  

Milia pro puero centum me mango poposcit:

risi ego, sed Phoebus protinus illa dedit.

hoc dolet et queritur de me mea mentula secum

laudatur meam Phoebus in invidiam.

sed sesteriolum donavit mentula Phoebo

bis decies: hoc da tu mihi, pluris emam.  

A slavetrader asked me 100,000 for a boy.

I smiled, but further on, Phoebus gave those thousands.

On account of this, my penis grieves and complains to himself about me,

and Phoebus is praised resulting in my jealousy;

but his dong gave a little silver coin to Phoebus

twice ten times: You give this (money) to me.  I will buy more.  

A salesman told me I could be his slave’s master for 100,000.

I laughed off his offer, but later Phoebus paid the man.

My Johnson grieves over this deal and grumbles to himself about me,

and he praises Phoebus to make me jealous.

But, Phoebus’s dong has made money for him 20 times.

Johnson, you do this for me.  I will buy more.  

Sound Recording

Modeled on My name is Yon Yonsin:

My name is Martial. 

My Johnson is partial

to one certain slave boy we know.

My friend owns the slave

since his Johnson pays

And mine never brings in the dough.  

1.83

One Hungry Dog  

Os et labra tibi lingit, Manneia, catellus:

non miror, merdas si libet esse cani.  

The little puppy licks your mouth and lips, Manneia.

I am not astonished—if it pleases the dog to eat shit.  

Your little dog licks your mouth and lips, Manneia.

I am not surprised—so long as your dog likes to eat shit.  

2.16  

Zoilus aegrotat: faciunt hanc stragula febrem.

si fuerit sanus, coccina quid facient?

quid torus a Nilo, quid Sidone tinctus olenti?

ostendit stultas quid nisi morbus opes?  

Zoilus is sick: Bedspreads cause this fever.

If he will have been healthy, what will scarlet-covered things do?

Why (is his) pillow from the Nile? Why (is) it dyed from fragrant Sidon?

What except illness displays foolish wealth?

What (business) do you have with doctors? Send away all Machaons.

Do you want to become healthy? Borrow my bedspreads!  

Zoilus is sick: His bedspreads cause his fever.

If he were healthy, what could he do with his scarlet-covered things?

Why is his pillow from the Nile? Why is it dyed from fragrant Sidon?

What except illness would allow him to show off his fine bed?

What do you need with doctors? Send away all of the Machaons!

Do you want to get well? Borrow my bedspreads!  

Zoilus’s bedding has made him sick.

For if he were well, who would look at his fine covers?

Who would look at his pillow from Saks 5^th Avenue or his satin sheets?

Why do you need doctors, Zoilus? Send away the Surgeon General!

Do you want to get well? Sleep in my bed!  

Haiku

Sick man is not sick

He wants to show off his bed

My bed would cure him  

2.30  

Mutua viginti sestertia forte rogabam,

quae vel donanti non grave munus erat.

quippe rogabatur fidusque vetusque sodalis

et cuius laxas arca flagellat opes.

is mihi ‘dives eris, si causas egeris’ inquit.

quod peto da, Gai: non peto consilium.  

By chance, I was asking for a loan of 20,000 sestertii,

which even as a gift was not burdensome to the giving person.

Certainly, an old and faithful comrade was being asked

And (a comrade) whose loose wealth the coffer whips.

He says to me, “you will be rich if you will have plead cases.”

Give what I ask, Gaius: I do not ask for advice.  

I was asking for a loan of 200 dollars,

which even as a gift was not too much for the giver.

Certainly, the man being asked was an old and faithful friend

whose money never works hard enough for him.

He says to me, “you would be rich if you would plead cases.”

Give what I ask for, Gaius: I am not asking for advice.  

I asked Gaius for 200 dollars.

He had the money and was an old, trusted friend.

But he told me, “if you would go to law school, you would have the money.”

Give what I ask for, Gaius: I am not asking for advice.  

2.35

A seeming disadvantage pays off  

Cum sint crura tibi simulent quae cornua lunae,

in rhytio poteras, Phoebe, lavare pedes.  

Since you have shins which imitate the horns of the moon,

you were able to wash (your) feet in a drinking-horn, Phoebus.  

Since your shins look like the horns of the moon,

you can wash your feet in a drinking-horn, Phoebus.  

 2.82  

Abscisa servum quid figis, Pontice, lingua?

nescis tu populum, quod tacet ille, loqui?  

Why do you fix (your) slave with a cut-off tongue, Ponticus?

Do you not know that people say, what that man is silent (about)?  

Why did you cut off your slave’s tongue, Ponticus?

Don’t you know that everyone is talking about what that boy keeps quiet?  

Alliteration

Ponticus, why did you cut off your slave’s tongue?

Don’t you know that everyone is talking about what that boy keeps tacit?

Similar sounding last words

Ponticus, why did you cut of your slave’s tongue?

Don’t you know that everyone is saying what that boy keeps mum?  

Sound Recording

Figure of speech

Ponticus, why did you cut of your slave’s tongue?

Don’t you know that everyone is talking about what that boy can’t say?  

Current Event

Lorraina Bobbit, why did you cut off your husband’s tongue?

Don’t you know that everyone is talking about what he can’t say?  

Sound Recording

Current Event II

Lorraina Bobbit, why did you cut off your husband’s dong?

Don’t you realise that everyone knows about what he can’t do anymore?  

3.17

The Tart  

Circumlata diu mensis scribilita secundis

urebat nimio saeva calore manus;

sed magis ardebat Sabidi gula: protinus ergo

sufflavit buccis terque quarterque suis.

illa quidem tepuit digitosque admittere visa est,

sed nemo potuit tangere: merda fuit.  

A cruel cheese tart having been carried around for a long time 

at the second course was burning (our) hands with too much heat.

But the greediness of Sabidius was burning more: Therefore, further on,

he blew both three and four times with his cheeks.

Indeed, that tart was lukewarm and seemed to allow fingers,

but no one was able to touch (it): it was shit.  

At dessert, we passed around a hot cheese tart for a long time

because it was burning our hands,

but the greediness of Sabidius was burning hotter:

so, he blew on it with his cheeks three and four times.

Indeed, he cooled that tart down and it seemed ready to grab,

but no one could touch it: it was shit.  

Sound Recording

After playing hot potato with a cheese tart,

Hungry Sabidius cooled it off with a fart.

The man had done his part

except he blew too hard.

The tart was a turd.  

Sound Recording

Haiku

Cool tart. Blow with cheeks.

The cheeks are not of the face.

So don’t eat the tart.  

3.64  

Sirens hilarem navigantium poenam

blandasque mortes gaudiumque crudele

quas nemo quondam deserebat auditas,

fallax Ulixes dicitur reliquisse.

non miror: illud, Cassiane, mirarer,

si fabulantem Canium reliquisset.  

The Sirens—cheerful punishment of sailors

and flattering deaths and cruel joy

who one heard, no one has left

Crafty Odysseus is said to have abandoned (them).

I do not marvel at (that): I might marvel at it, Cassianus,

if he had abandoned talking Canius.  

Happy punishment, cruel joy, flattering deaths of sailors

The Sirens, once heard, no one has abandoned—

Crafty Odysseus is said to have left them.

I am not surprised, but I would be, Cassianus

if he could leave Canius while he was telling a story.  

Sound Recording

Happy punishment  

3.78  

Minxisti currente semel, Pauline, carina.

meiere vis iterum? Iam Palinurus eris.  

Once you peed from the keel of a sailing ship, Paulinus.

Do you want to pee again? Now you will be Palinurus.  

Once you peed from the keel of a sailing ship, Paulinus.

Do you want to pee again? Then you will be Palinurus©.  

©Note: Palinurus was Aeneas’s helmsman, who fell overboard and drowned.

Also, the Greek roots of “Palinurus” mean “a person who pees again.”  

4.87  

Infantem secum semper tua Bassa, Fabulle,

collocat et lusus deliciasque vocat,

et, quo mireris magis, infantria non est.

ergo quid in causa est? pedere Bassa solet.  

Your Bassa always stations a baby with her, Fabullus,

And she calls (him) charm and plaything,

And you could wonder more because she is not a woman who looks after babies

Therefore, what is the reason? Bassa is accustomed to fart.  

Your wife Bassa always carries a baby by her side, Fabullus

and calls him her darling plaything.

This is a wonder since she is not a nanny. 

So, why does she carry a baby? Bassa always farts.  

Your wife Bassa has a baby with her, Danny.

This causes us to wonder since Bassa’s not a nanny.

So why the baby, Danny? Tell us if you please.

Bassa has a baby since she always cuts the cheese.  

5.29  

Si quando leporem mittis mihi, Gellia, dicis

‘formosus septem, Marce, diebus eris.’

si non derides, si verum, lux mea, narras,

edisti numquam, Gellia, tu leporem.  

If when you send a hare to me, Gellia, you say,

‘in seven days, you will be beautiful, Marcus!’

If you are not mocking (me), if you tell the truth, my light,

You have never eaten a hare, Gellia.  

When you sent me a hare, Gellia, you said,

‘in seven days, you will be beautiful, Marcus!’

If you weren’t joking, if you were telling the truth, my darling,

you have never eaten a hare, Gellia.  

When you sent me St. John’s Wort, Gellia, you said,

‘in seven days, you will be pleasant, Marcus!’

If you weren’t mocking me, if you were telling the truth, my darling,

you have never taken St. John’s Wort, Gellia.  

Gellia told me her wine

would make me look fine.

If that’s not a line,

she’s never drunk wine.  

6.36  

Mentula tam magna est, tantus tibi, Papyle, nasus

ut possis, quotiens arrigis, olfacere.  

Your penis and your nose are so large, Papylus

that you are able to smell (it) whenever you have an erection.  

No second translation necessary  

Sound Recording

Papylus, your nose and your dong are both so long

that when your dong grows,

your nose knows.  

Papylus, your nose and your dong were both so long

that when your dong rose,

your nose knew.  

Papylus, your nose and your schlong are both so long

that when your schlong grew,

your nose knew.  

Sound Recording

Papylus, your nose and your dong are both so long

that your nose smells

when your dong swells.  

 6.60

Why Martial Writes  

Laudat, amat, cantat nostros mea Roma libellos,

meque sinus omnes, me manus omnis habet.

ecce rubet quidam, pallet, stupet, oscitat, odit.

hoc volo: nunc nobis carmina nostra placent.  

My Rome praises, loves, recites, our little books.

All pockets (hold) me, every hand holds me.

Behold!  A certain person is red, is pale, is stunned, gapes, detests.

This I want: Now our songs are pleasing to us.  

Sound Recording

Rome sings, lauds, loves my little books.

Every pocket and every hand hold me.

Look! He is red. She is pale. They are stunned. He gapes. She hates.

I want this: now my songs please me.  

9.15

Seven in One Blow  

Inscripsit tumulis septem scelerata virorum

‘se fecisse’ Chloe. Quid pote simplicius?  

Infamous Chloe wrote on the tombs of seven husbands

‘that she made (them)/ did (it).’ What is able to be simpler?  

Infamous Chloe etched on the tombs of her seven husbands

that she did them. What could be clearer?  

Infamous Chloe etched her name on the tombs of her seven husbands.

Who done it?  

9.78

A Wedding and a Funeral  

Funera post septem nupsit tibi Galla virorum,

Picentine: sequi vult, puto, Galla viros.  

After seven burials of husbands, Galla married you,

Picentinus: I think Galla wants to follow (her) husbands.  

After burying seven husbands, Galla married you, Picentinus:

I think Galla wants to follow her husbands.  

After burying seven husbands, the Black Widow married you, Hannibal Lector:

Me thinks she wants to follow her husbands.  

10.102

Qua factus ratione sit requiris,

qui numquam futuit, pater Philinus?

Gaditanus, Avite, dicat istud,

qui scribit nihil et tamen poeta est.  

You ask how Philinus, who never has sex with a woman,

is made a father.

Avitus, let Gaditanus answer that—who writes

nothing and nevertheless is a poet.  

Avitus, you ask how Philinus, who has never been with a woman,

becomes a father.

Let Gaditanus answer that, who has never written anything,

but is a poet.  

How did Philinus become a father, 

who has never been with a woman?

Ask Milli Vanilli how they became singers.  

12.7  

Toto vertice quot gerit capillos

annos si tot habet Ligeia, trima est.  

  If Ligeia has so many years as she bears hairs

  on her whole head, she is three years old.  

If Ligeia is as many years old as the number of hairs on her head,

she is three years old.  

12.77

Multis dum precibus Iovem salutat

stans summos resupinus usque in ungues  

While he greets Jove with many prayers

always standing fixed perfectly bent

in the Temple of Juppiter, Aethon farted.

Men laughed, but the very father of the gods having been offended

treated the client with three nights of meals at home.

After this shameful crime, when poor little Aethon wants

to come into the Capitol,

he seeks before Paterclus’s seats (i.e. the lavatory)

and farts both 10 and 20 times.

But although he will have been on guard with himself by crackling,

he greets Jove with buttocks squeezed together.  

While worshipping Juppiter with many prayers, always bowing perfectly,

in the Temple, Aethon farted.

All the men laughed, but the father of the gods was offended and

sentenced him to three nights of eating dinner at home.

Now, after this disgrace, when poor little Aethon wants to go into

the Temple, he first finds the bathroom and farts 10 and 20 times.

And although he has guarded against himself by sounding off in the bathroom,

Aethon now worships Juppiter with cheeks clenched.  

Rhyming

Praying to Jove, minding Qs and Ps,

Poor Little Aethon cut the cheese.

All the men laughed,

but Juppiter frowned,

and he sentenced Aethon to dinner home-bound.

Now when Aethon goes to pray,

first he farts in a bathroom far far away.

And although he’s disarmed and tested the weather,

Aethon now prays with cheeks clenched together.  

Alliteration and Onomatopoeia

While praying patiently in a perfectly poised position, Aethon pooted.

Father Jove, offended by farting,

punished poor Aethon’s poot.

Now, before entering Temple,

fearing another frequenting of farting, Aethon first finds a far away place

and frees himself.

Despite precautionary pooting, Aethon now prays with cheeks clenched.